Dialogues with God II

Man:  Hey, God, where are you? I need to talk to you.



Hey, God!

God: Well, what’s the matter now, old fellow? Why are you looking so down at the mouth?
M: You've noticed. I’m feeling depressed, you know how it is.
G: No, I don’t know how it is. What on earth are you depressed about at this joyful time of the year?
M: Well, that’s just it, you’ve put your finger on it.
G: Put my finger on what precisely?
M: It’s the Christmas thing, the whole shebang.
G: This Christmas thing? The whole shebang? I’m not sure I like the sound of that.
M: Well, it’s true. Christmas just gets me down.
G: This shebang, as you call it, is the celebration of my beloved son’s birth, divine spirit made into human flesh. This shebang is about the Saviour of mankind. And all you can do is mope around and complain?
M: Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, God, and it’s not really about your son.
G: Not really about my son? It’s Christmas... Christ... mass... and you say it’s not really about my son, the anointed Christ? Kindly explain yourself before you incur my divine wrath and I send down a lightning bolt to turn you into a heap of smouldering dust!
M: No, no, you don’t understand! What I meant is that it’s more about me and the way I feel rather than your son Jesus or Christ or whatever you call him.
G: Tell me more, because I’m still mad at you and I haven’t given up the idea of making you go up in a puff of smoke!
M: Calm down, God, and I’ll explain.
G: Go on, I’m listening...
M: Well, there isn’t much to it, really. But in simple terms, all this Christmas business... you know... all the shopping, present-buying, card-sending, carol-singing, goodwill to all men lark... and even the partying, boozing and bingeing that goes with it... all this enforced merry-making and jollity... is doing my mind in. It’s not my thing really.
G: Not your thing? I could take this personally and turn you into a leper this very second , but you’ve roused my curiosity now. What IS your thing then?
M: Well, it’s not so much that it’s not my thing, some of it IS my thing, like the noshing and boozing, but the rest of it I could do without. I mean, I lost my job this year, our mortgage payments went up and we’ve fallen behind with them, the price of everything in the shops has hit the fuckin’ roof, I’m pretty-well skint, the missus is spending the social money on presents like there’s no tomorrow, and we’ve got to go around smiling and laughing and be joyful in front of the kids and everyone else just because your son was born on this day a couple of thousand years ago. And the worst thing about it is that he probably wasn’t even born on 26 December!
G: Hmmmm... I see what you mean. I’m still hurting but I see your point. I must admit I don’t rightly remember myself when he was born exactly, but that doesn’t really matter, it’s the principle not the date that’s important. As for the rest, I can see you’re not having a great time of it, but Christmas comes just once a year and you could make an effort, for the kids at least.
M: Yeah, sure, for the kids. I haven’t got a penny to my name, we’re about to lose our house, I’m unemployable, the kids are driving me round the twist, the wife’s giving me grief every day cos things are getting shittier by the day, and you want me to make an effort. That’s just great!
G: You’re not a believer, are you, old man?
M: Believer? I suppose not.
G: No suppose about it. You’ve lost your faith.
M: Well, maybe I have. What’s that got to do with anything?
G: It has everything to do with anything.
M: Oh yeah? Like what?
G: Listen, my friend, I want to help you.
M: Help me? You’ve never helped me before all the times we’ve talked, so why should you help me now?
G: What’s gone on in the past is not necessarily relevant to what could happen now. Why do you think I’m having these chats with you?
M: I’ve asked myself that and I don’t have an answer. Maybe it’s to make me lose my mind. I’ve made the mistake of telling my wife about you and she told me to pull myself together and not mention it to another soul. She’s starting to think I’m mentally unbalanced. That’s what you’ve done to me!
G: That’s what you’ve done to yourself, old fellow! And I advise you to keep all this to yourself. But let’s get back to the matter in hand.
M: And what’s the matter in hand other than I’ve fucked my life up and everyone thinks I’m a born fuckin’ loser?
G: The matter in hand is that I can help you get things back on track if you do as I ask you.
M: Well the first part sounds good but I’m not so sure about the second part.
G: Well that’s the deal, my friend. Remember, I’m the Almighty and I can do anything I want. Nonetheless, I want you to do your part.
M: Okay, let me have the deal.
G: It’s simple. Turn back to me... err... to God.
M: What does that mean?
G: Embrace the faith again.
M: Are you having a laugh?
G: No. I’m deadly serious. Do you accept the deal or not?
M: Hmmm... maybe... depends on what it means.
G: It means that you should say your prayers every day, go to church every Sunday and on all religious holidays, bring Me back into your life and go back to being a real Christian.
M: Jesus! Oh, sorry...
G: That’s one bad habit you’ll have to put an end to. Now, do you accept the deal?
M: Hang on, you haven’t told me yet what’s in it for me.
G: Oh yes, I forgot. Well, simply put, it would mean the end of all your problems.
M: How’s that then?
G: Never mind how, just trust me. All I ask is that you come back to me, and then I’ll make all your problems go away. One by one, little by little, you’re life will turn around and happiness and fulfilment will come back into it.
M: You’re asking a lot of me, God.
G: I don’t think so, especially as the benefits for you are immeasurable.
M: You’re right. For a deal like that I would sign my life away to the devil himself!
G: Bite your tongue! For that remark alone I should take back the deal and send you to him to do just that! You ungrateful fellow!
M: I’m sorry, God, I’m sorry, it just came out, I didn’t mean it.
G: Okay. Now I don’t have much time, I have a lot of things to do today. So let me have your answer now.
M: Alright, alright... it’s a deal! I’ll do what you say if you get me out of this mess.
G: Good man! Here’s the contract to sign...
M: Contract?
G: Of course. You don’t think we could tie up a deal without making a binding agreement, do you?
M: I hadn’t really thought of that.
G: Well, that’s the deal, take it or leave it. Sign on the dotted line and your life will be transformed for the better.
M: I’ll sign, yes. Give me the contract and I’ll sign it.

..........................

 God? Lord? Where are you? Where’s the contract? What’s happened? Where are you, God? Speak to me... speak to me... please... I said I’ll sign the contract... come back... I’ll sign... where are you, Lord? Where are you? I’ll sign... I’ll sign... I’ll sign.... don’t leave me, Lord... I’ll sign....

Passers-by wonder at the incoherent mutterings of the vagrant sprawled in the shop doorway and hurry on past, shaking their heads, as the night turns bitterly cold.