The Loss of a Friend

Losing a dear friend you’ve known for many years is a sad and painful experience, and many of us know what it's like. It’s bad enough when you know what’s happened to them and the reason for their disappearance, but it’s worse when they suddenly drop out of your life and you’re left completely in the dark. Worse still if you try to get back in touch with them and, try as you might, your efforts come to nothing and you're none the wiser.

Such a situation is not unknown, it happens. But today, owing to the spread of the Internet and the making of online friends, it is something that can and does happen more than ever before, much more. We meet and get to know people online and some of these people we get to know intimately and we become used to their regular online presence. We may go a step further and speak to them in a live chat environment, an instant messaging program, see them on a webcam, talk to them on the phone, and even visit them in person, whether in our own country or abroad.

If we get to know them personally, the inexplicable loss of that friend is felt so much more acutely, even without having had personal contact, thanks to modern technology which enables us to communicate by voice and even to see each other, with the result that we can get very attached to that person, though we never have been in their physical company. Habit, friendship and companionship transcend the physical separation that distance creates between us, and should the person we have come to know and like and perhaps even love through the Internet suddenly disappear without trace we may feel the loss as acutely as if that person were a friend of ours in the more conventional way.

I know what it’s like to lose a friend in such circumstances. It was a person I had met online in the early years of the Internet and we began communicating through instant messaging programs. The conversations we had became a daily thing and we gradually became addicted to our regular chats, to the point that any absence, be it for only one day, became a cause for concern and had to be explained by the absentee on their return. We then supplemented this by phone calls to each other and eventually it progressed to personal visits. And, over time and inevitably I suppose, we became lovers and sweethearts.

This was all some time ago. The relationship eventually broke down, for reasons that I will not go into as they are not pertinent to this post, but nevertheless we remained friends and we kept in contact, mainly online but sometimes by phone. And then one day my once-friend and lover and now just friend, though a dear one, vanished! She stopped coming online. She wasn’t answering her e-mails or the phone. She had, to all intents and purposes, disappeared for good and left me not knowing what had happened to her. Though I had her home address, the question of visiting her was impracticable. She lived in another continent, thousands of miles away, and I could not embark on a trip that would take me half way round the world to visit a person who might not even be there to receive me.

And that is how things have remained to the present day. It has been over a year since I last had any contact with her and, after having tried to get hold of her by one means or another and failed, I fear the worst for her. I imagine that she may not even be with us anymore, that she may have sickened or had an accident and.... I dare not even say the word, as it saddens me greatly to think of her like that. She would be in her late forties now, so she’s still relatively young by today’s standards. I’ve racked my brain in an effort to imagine what may be preventing her from communicating with me and the answer that comes back is always a bleak one.

I’m still hoping that one day I will succeed in getting in touch with her or, failing that, at least in finding out about her, though I fully realise that the news may not be good, and this is my worst fear. But the anguish of not knowing is probably worse than knowing the truth, terrible as it might be. Either way it’s very sad, especially when I think back to when I first met her and how our relationship went on to develop into a close friendship and then bloomed into a romantic liaison which lasted several years. Those were our halcyon days, even though there was many a storm that tested us.

My life will not change if and when I find her or find out about her. We have gone our separate ways since we split up, though we kept in touch. But at the very least I need to know what’s happened to her. “While there’s life there’s hope”, they say, but as the years go by with no news of her, it all begins to look rather hopeless. But I’ve not given up all hope yet. I still feel there’s a chance I will at least find out about her and my ignorance of her circumstances, whatever they may be, will finally come to an end. It may be hoping against hope, but it’s the way it has to be for the moment. For the moment, I live in hope...


P.S. - Since posting the above, I have located the person in question and I now know the truth, though it might have been better if I had not known!

Unrequited

Have you ever tried to win back a love, friendship or affection that was lost somewhere along the way? Have you ever attempted to revive a love that is waning, strengthen a friendship that is languishing, or rekindle an affection that has all but wasted away? Does it seem that you are forever struggling to maintain the affection of certain others who are important pillars in your life and give meaning to it, be they family, friends or romantic liaisons? If you have, and maybe you still do, then you will know what I'm talking about and will identify with some of the feelings I describe and the views I express in this post.

Throughout our lives we strive to win and keep the favour of those who mean something to us, whatever their relationship. We endeavour to maintain a circle of people that gives meaning to our existence, that makes us feel safe and wanted on life's journey from the cradle to the grave. The knowledge that a number of people out there care about us, think about us, like or love us, makes us feel good and is important to our self-esteem and well-being in general. Acceptance or approval of our views, actions and behaviour, not to mention praise, reassures us that we're normal, that we're okay, that our life is on the right path. The tolerance or endorsement of others boosts our self-confidence and belief in ourselves.

But it is not enough to have the affection and approval of people who mean very little to us. The whole point is that this should come from those we ourselves like or love or have special feelings towards, that is family and friends, and often certain family members and certain friends. We need the right responses from the right people. The opinions that really matter to us are of the folks who really matter to us, though we might welcome the friendship of people in general. Those who say the do not care are either lying to us or even worse lying to themselves. The dictum that no man is an island is very true, witness the online social networking sites that have sprung up over the past few years thanks to the Internet.

But what if no matter how much we try to gain and maintain the affection and approval of certain people who are important to us we remain out in the cold or their conduct to us is at best lukewarm? What if we simply cannot win them over and they remain aloof and on the margins of our life? What if in trying to win their affections, to bring them closer to us, to play a bigger part in our lives, we just end up hurting ourselves time and again? Does there not come a time when we should stop to think and consider whether the effort and the pain involved are worth it? Because for every possible gain, there's a price to pay, and where the possible gain is remote or unlikely it may be that the price one pays in emotional or psychological hurt is too high. This of course is always a personal decision.

The fact is that sometimes we just have to accept defeat and simply let go. We have to face up to the fact that the person we are trying to get closer to just does not feel the same way about us. This may be for all sorts of reasons, some of which may have nothing to do with us personally but rather with their way of life and with the people around them who may already be providing all the emotional attention and affection they need. It may also be partly due to location and practical considerations. But whatever it is, if we have tried our damnedest to gain the interest and affection of that person and they have not reciprocated, perhaps the time has come to throw in the towel and get on with our lives with the people that are interested in us and that do care about us. We need not break off relations with the object of our endeavours, just accept that our relationship will never be more than what it already is. Some things are not meant to be and, unless we are happy to risk blighting our lives with constant disappointment and rejection, we should be able to recognise this, let go, and move on.

Valentine's Day - Do we need it?

Well here we are again, at another Saint Valentine's Day, a holiday named after an early Christian martyr by the name of Valentine, though we do now know which one exactly, and we have the usual crop of Valentine cards, flowers, gifts and chocolates being sent or given to a whole variety of people, not necessarily all lovers, boy-/girl-friends, fiancé(e)s, or spouses. It is one of a whole host of special commemorative days, usually with no holiday attached (that is time off from work) and probably has more legitimacy than most in historical terms, e.g. Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparents' Day, Friend's Day (or International Friendship Day) and all the other Someone's Day (not to mention Something's Day) which have come into being over the centuries, some with purely commercial motives. It would seem that it isn't enough that we have birthdays, name-days, Christmas and Easter (though neither cards nor gifts are usually exchanged on the last of these). At this rate, every day will be Someone's or Something's Day and then we'll never get any peace or surcease! It will be a constant orgy of card-, flower- and gift-buying, to the great delight of traders and shopkeepers who are the only ones who will really profit from it.

Although I am not intrinsically opposed to such special days, as long as they are kept down to a manageable number, do we really need them in order to express love or affection for someone? Can we not do this unprompted and unbidden? Must we have someone telling us to do it and when to do it? Must a demonstration of one's love involve purchases? Is affection only of any value when it involves spending money? Is this stipulation of special days of demonstration of affection not just another manifestation of an intrusive dirigiste society that feels the need to dictate to people when they must do what and how? It would seem so, judging by how readily we take to such commemorations and all the trimmings that accompany them, inevitably involving trips to the shops (or online shopping sites) for the indispensable (so we are made to believe) purchases, without which our professions of affection or love would not be believed or accepted, it would appear.

In the end, all things considered, does a manifestation of some affection towards a number of people simultaneously on Valentine's Day really carry much weight as compared to the same thing done on a day like any other because one is thinking of that person or those persons and wishes to express their love or affection without the prompting of a particular day which is meant to incite people en masse to manifest affection? Is it not infinitely more valuable and meaningful when one makes such a gesture of affection on an ordinary day of the year, unprompted and unbidden, and with no pressure exerted by reason of a commemorative day on which everyone is doing the selfsame thing and buying the selfsame articles for presentation to a loved one? Do we always need to be regimented and pressured into doing something which should come naturally to us if the emotion expressed is a true and genuine one?

As I said, I am not in principle too bothered about Valentine's Day or, come to that, any other commemorative day, but I sometimes think that with this ever-growing number of special commemorative days, some of which are most worthy (as, for instance those to do with wars and conflicts where we honour the fallen) and some of which are rather silly and unnecessary, are we not in danger of losing our spontaneity and our sincerity when we go along with the herd and of being criticised and rebuked if we do not? For my part, I have this odd feeling that when things are done en masse they are less sincere and less meaningful than when they are done individually and free of crowd pressure, but perhaps I'm mistaken and looking at it all from the wrong perspective. After all, I am a man of a certain age and have seen many changes in my life, some of which I deem good and desirable and some of which I deem bad and undesirable.

Unfortunately, it is not always the bad ways that are discarded in time and the good ways that are adopted. One only has to study history to see this. And one of the prime motivators and persuaders to take one course of action in preference to another is 'Mammon', better known as 'money'. The profit motive is one of the strongest incentives in our modern society and governs both individuals, companies, organisations, and governments, to name but a few. If we now relate this to the subject of this blog, it is clear to see that in monetary terms Valentine's Day benefits all those who sell anything to do with such a day: greetings cards, flowers, chocolates, cuddly toys, heart-shaped trinkets and cushions, and generally anything that can be associated with love and affection. It would be a daring politician who would attempt to banish such a day!

Love in the Rain

Well now, what lovelier scene of human affection can one imagine than this? Made all the lovelier, and more poignant, by the rain, which as we know is no respecter of human emotion. A young couple expressing their love for each other and getting soaked to the skin doing so. The rain gives added vibrancy to almost any scene or image, be it joyful, sad, funny or just plain ordinary. Imagine this same scene minus the rain. The magical effect of the rain on the car lights and their dazzling reflections in the puddles would be absent. The resolve of the lovers to express their love in the face of stormy weather adds a thrill to the whole tableau that would otherwise be missing. And their increasingly sodden clothes and hair would not sound a note of stoicism for the cause of true love were it not for the pouring rain.

You're young, in love, and in the rain... and feeling great to be alive. So let it rain, who cares? And the wetter you get the more in love you feel and the more you want to carry on hugging and kissing the object of your affection. The rain seems to conspire in your madness and pours down all the heavier in celebration of your love. And somehow, as though the rain affords you some veil of privacy from prying eyes, you forget you're in the middle of a public place with people all around able to observe your outpouring of passion and you kiss on.. and on.. and on. So kiss away, young lovers, and let the rain be your orchestra and your glorious backdrop. This may be a moment you remember for the rest of your lives.

I personally love rain. I like watching it when it's heavy, and see how it transforms everything around, and I like to be in it, whether I'm walking in the street, subject to the shelter afforded by a brolly (oh yes!), or strolling around the garden with just a pair of boxer shorts as 'protection', temperature permitting of course, and feeling the cool rain on my bare skin. Once when I was holidaying in a tropical country, as the rain started to come down, I took the opportunity to make use of the hotel's outdoor swimming-pool. As the rain intensified into a full-blown storm, so did my pleasure and delight as I swam about the pool feeling the flurry of raindrops peppering my bare skin. I flung my head back and opened my mouth, trying to gulp some of the heaven-sent water down. Eveyone else thought I was quite mad but I loved every minute of it and would do it again if I had the chance.

The Ill-fated Ophelia

“There is a willow grows aslant the brook,

That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream;

There with fantastic garlands did she come.

Of crow-flowers, nettles, daisies, and long purples.

There on the pendant boughs her coronet weeds

Clambering to hang an envious silver broke.

When down the weedy trophies and herself

Fell in the weeping brook”

William Shakespeare (1564 – 1616)

This haunting depiction of Shakespeare's Ophelia is probably the best-known representation. She is shown singing before drowning in a river. It was painted by John Everett Millais in 1852 and is to be found in the Tate Britain gallery.

"My heart is heavy with this odious yearning and here below i'm called to forgetful surcease if i but dare to venture down into these tranquil waters."

A latter-day idealised, quase-magical image of Ophelia contemplating her reflection in the stream. A far cry from the well-known depiction of the sad figure of a drowning Ophelia.

This is Ophelia as depicted by John William Waterhouse and exhibited in 1910 at the Royal Academy. "Into the wood she crept as if seeking some mysterious solace that only death could now grant her."

This is another version of Ophelia by John William Waterhouse completed in 1910. As in all the other depictions of her, she's never shown in the same style of dress, although white, or shades of it, is the colour usually chosen.

Ophelia as seen by the French artist Alexandre Cabanel completed in 1883. It is now in a private collection and is probably one of the least known representations of Ophelia's last moments.

This painting, dating back to 1910, is by W. G. Simmonds and is entitled 'The Drowning of Ophelia'. Her billowing white robe is reminiscent of a white swan or a winged angel.

Ophelia is the epitome of the lovesick maiden who is driven by unrequited love to take her life. The above paintings depict her untimely end or her contemplation of the stream that will bring an end to her sorrow. This theme was taken up by the painters of the PreRaphaelite Brotherhood again and again and the above depictions are just a few examples of this. In essence it is the eternal predicament of the 'Broken Heart'.