Unrequited

Have you ever tried to win back a love, friendship or affection that was lost somewhere along the way? Have you ever attempted to revive a love that is waning, strengthen a friendship that is languishing, or rekindle an affection that has all but wasted away? Does it seem that you are forever struggling to maintain the affection of certain others who are important pillars in your life and give meaning to it, be they family, friends or romantic liaisons? If you have, and maybe you still do, then you will know what I'm talking about and will identify with some of the feelings I describe and the views I express in this post.

Throughout our lives we strive to win and keep the favour of those who mean something to us, whatever their relationship. We endeavour to maintain a circle of people that gives meaning to our existence, that makes us feel safe and wanted on life's journey from the cradle to the grave. The knowledge that a number of people out there care about us, think about us, like or love us, makes us feel good and is important to our self-esteem and well-being in general. Acceptance or approval of our views, actions and behaviour, not to mention praise, reassures us that we're normal, that we're okay, that our life is on the right path. The tolerance or endorsement of others boosts our self-confidence and belief in ourselves.

But it is not enough to have the affection and approval of people who mean very little to us. The whole point is that this should come from those we ourselves like or love or have special feelings towards, that is family and friends, and often certain family members and certain friends. We need the right responses from the right people. The opinions that really matter to us are of the folks who really matter to us, though we might welcome the friendship of people in general. Those who say the do not care are either lying to us or even worse lying to themselves. The dictum that no man is an island is very true, witness the online social networking sites that have sprung up over the past few years thanks to the Internet.

But what if no matter how much we try to gain and maintain the affection and approval of certain people who are important to us we remain out in the cold or their conduct to us is at best lukewarm? What if we simply cannot win them over and they remain aloof and on the margins of our life? What if in trying to win their affections, to bring them closer to us, to play a bigger part in our lives, we just end up hurting ourselves time and again? Does there not come a time when we should stop to think and consider whether the effort and the pain involved are worth it? Because for every possible gain, there's a price to pay, and where the possible gain is remote or unlikely it may be that the price one pays in emotional or psychological hurt is too high. This of course is always a personal decision.

The fact is that sometimes we just have to accept defeat and simply let go. We have to face up to the fact that the person we are trying to get closer to just does not feel the same way about us. This may be for all sorts of reasons, some of which may have nothing to do with us personally but rather with their way of life and with the people around them who may already be providing all the emotional attention and affection they need. It may also be partly due to location and practical considerations. But whatever it is, if we have tried our damnedest to gain the interest and affection of that person and they have not reciprocated, perhaps the time has come to throw in the towel and get on with our lives with the people that are interested in us and that do care about us. We need not break off relations with the object of our endeavours, just accept that our relationship will never be more than what it already is. Some things are not meant to be and, unless we are happy to risk blighting our lives with constant disappointment and rejection, we should be able to recognise this, let go, and move on.